The Survivors Guide To Photo Travel

There you are, in the airport check in queue doing the diver's shuffle. You know, the one where you're trying to pretend your dive bags don't weigh a ton so that you don't get charged excess baggage.

When your turn comes at the check in desk you surreptitiously slip your toe under the scales as you place your bags on it. They eye you suspiciously.

You hide your carry on bag, which weighs as much as your (checked in) dive bag. The object of the exercise is to make it to the embarkation gate without having it taken from you.

The first hurdle is the customs/security check. There's a big sign saying 'film safe' on the X-ray machine. Like you're going to believe that when the guy in front of you put a pack of sandwiches in and they're coming out toasted at the other end!

On high security flights staff are instructed to open cameras (whether you have film in there or not), and make you remove batteries from dive computers (which usually you can't).

Airlines don't mind you taking air cylinders with you as long as they are empty but they do seem to enjoy opening your luggage to check, especially when it is at the bottom of the bag.

OK, so you're through the security check, now they test your boredom factor with - the Departure Lounge. It's full of Zombies listening to those walkman cassette players. You can imagine during a terrorist attack when the SWAT team is shouting for everyone to get down on the floor, that people wearing walkmans would be blissfully unaware (due to boogie-ing down to 5 megawatts of Dire Straits) as the bullets whistle around them. Perhaps the walkman is God's way of bringing retribution on the fans of Rock and Roll?

The next thing you know, your flight is called and you move on to the departure gate. The guys with walkmans don't hear their flight called and hey, why should you tell 'em?

It's the final hurdle to getting on the plane but now you're near to exhaustion and they spot your overweight carry on. They cite CAA regulations at you, "But Sir, in a crash situation you would not like this bag to fall on someone's head would you?" Most reassuring, they're anticipating a crash situation already!

I wonder why, if they are so against heavy hand luggage, do airlines sell bottles of duty free whiskey etc, which almost certainly fall out of the overhead lockers onto my head even when not in a 'crash situation'. They'd lose a lot of revenue that's why.

It's pointless arguing with the average airport worker though, they're not chosen because they have communication skills, or brain cells for that matter; they just happen to live locally.

Unfortunately, the engine has fallen off the plane and they keep you waiting there until they can superglue it back on. You get more and more hungry. Eventually you're so hungry you see a baby in a pushchair with a rusk and you're waiting for its mother to turn away so you can steal it off the little brat!

You make it to the plane, hopefully with your hand luggage; this is when they start the misinformation campaign. An announcement says you shouldn't operate a personal stereo on take off and landing as they interfere with the aircraft's navigational systems. Don't worry about it, the guys with walkmans are still in the departure lounge!

The pilot addresses you. He sounds drunk. "This is your captain schhhhhpeaking, today we shall be flying to...(pause, rustle of map) Er Grand Cayman. No sorry that was yesterday...." No wonder the stewardess's start demonstrating the lifejackets. You wish you'd brought your wetsuit in your hand luggage.

Next, you realise the perverse humour of the person who allocated your seat. You're sitting next to someone with a cold.

Incidentally, you read in the in flight magazine that, given the choice, you should avoid aisle seats because terrorists invariably take passengers from these seats when they want to shoot someone. Guess where you're sitting?

You survive the flight (and foreign customs) and you make it as far as the hotel with no further delays, now the fun starts. Have you noticed how, when you go abroad with your spouse and you push the two single beds together the cleaner pulls them apart the next day? The opposite happens when you arrive with a dive buddy of the same sex. They push them together! I was even allocated a double bed with my dive buddy once!

The hotel doesn't like you soaking your gear in the bath so they don't give you a plug. You can beat that; those round dive computers block the plughole a treat. If you get the bath deep enough you can even do your decompression there!

Remember to fold the toilet paper a few extra times when abroad, it's so thin your finger always goes through it!

You can't sleep on the first night because the mosquitoes, scenting virgin flesh, dive bomb you all night. You switch the light on but they've all disappeared. The next morning you have so many bites you could draw a line between them and end up with a map of Asia. Have you noticed how much of a stain mozzies make when you squash them? That's all your blood you know.

You amble over to the dive centre. Just as the Brits will always join the end of a queue the Germans will always go to the front of one. The dive centre is full of them, and they've taken all the weights and tanks.

Ah, but you finally get in the water and it's great. You know what they say; the worst day's diving is better than the best day working.

The second week you're on a liveaboard, but judging by the similarity to the brochure it is the wrong boat. The 'fully stocked bar' is a locker in the bilges with a couple of rusty tins of Bud. The 'gourmet food' makes you long for Macdonald's. The cooks use the right recipe books; they just can't read English so they guess the ingredients from the pictures!

We've all seen the T-shirt that says 'Do you remember when Diving was Dangerous and Sex was safe?' . Well, diving can still be dangerous. Especially after the 'gourmet food'.

But, at the end of your stay, you've had a great vacation. Now, what should you buy as presents for those folks back home? Answer: T-shirts. It's going to make them really jealous and what's more, you'll be able to wear one on the flight home because you've run out of clean ones!

Perhaps I've been a little bit critical about Air Travel. Maybe I have aired a lot of grievances in this article that have built up over the years but I'll tell you what - I'm going to take my dive vacations at home from now on. After all the criticism I just gave the airlines I better hadn't try going through any airport again!

Seriously though...

Phone the airline beforehand to arrange excess baggage. If enough of us do that, they might just get the message.

Take food with you when travelling. You never know where your next meal is coming from, especially if your flight is delayed.

Don't drink the water, don't take ice in your drinks (it's made out of water), and don't eat the salad (it's washed in the water). Do bear in mind that you can easily become dehydrated so drink plenty of liquids (bottled water not beer!).

When travelling into a different Time Zone, try and acclimatise by keeping to their hours for a few days beforehand.

You should invest in one of those plug-in mosquito killers and don't encourage them by leaving the light on and window open after dark.

When diving, if you can touch it, don't. Any creature that does not rely on speed for defence probably relies on poison.

Remember that the fact is that the only means of transport statistically safer than the aeroplane is the elevator.

Items that are a must include; a Swiss army knife (maybe not!), torch, thermometer, a pen, and a sense of humour. The same basic principles apply to photographic equipment as you were taught about your diving equipment, only more so (Wash - dry - store). Photo equipment is even more susceptible to ingress of water and needs regular maintenance to ensure the integrity of pressure seals.

The increased level of salinity found in most tropical locations can eat your camera alive. Ideally you should soak your gear in fresh water as soon as you leave the water. Flushing is not enough; you should soak for half an hour if possible, and operate all the controls to ensure fresh water gets behind all the levers too.

You should never allow cameras to dry out, even before soaking. Abrasive salt crystals will be left deposited on any part of your equipment allowed to dry out, so keeping it damp, even with seawater if that is all that is immediately available, is desirable.